7: Goals

A/N: Rohan's bare bum later in the chapter.
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     A frustrated week later, I'm stewing in front of my fire about how nothing has happened with Yadira when I hear Sama behind me.

     "I'm ovulating." Her voice sounds so matter-of-fact as she rounds the couch.
     I turn my head and look at her, feeling zero attraction. "Sama, I'm sorry. I've thought about it, and I just--"

     "Shh. Don't say it. Please." She watches me look at her, seeing pity in my eyes. "I know you don't want me. But let's do this anyway."

     "It doesn't work like that." I back my head up when she tries to brush her thumb across my lower lip. Undeterred, she climbs on top of me anyway.

     "Close your eyes," she says quietly.
     I could decide to throw her off me. I could do it, too. No problem. But then she starts grinding her hips against me, and I've been lusting after Yadira for what feels like years. God's balls, my fucking body starts responding.
     "Think of her," she whispers. "Think of her as I take you inside me."
     I lean my head back, eyes still closed. Oh, fuck. Am I really about to do this again? I picture Yadira: her face, her eyes, her hair, the curves of her body... how badly I want her... how I wish it were she grinding atop me instead of the older, smarter woman... the woman who can't help her little cry of pain when I pierce into her. But she doesn't stop. She continues toward her goal.

    I briefly wonder where she must've read about this--because she's really not that bad.
    I won't deny how good it feels, and I open my eyes to look at her as she keeps working me.
    That was a mistake, and I quickly close them again. Yadira, my mind whispers to me. It does help.
    The woman picks up speed, and my toes curl against the floorboards. Oh, fuck! Panting, I grab the edge of the sofa, listening to the little noises she makes as we're getting close.
    Then it's done. I come inside her, and we're quiet for a moment.
    She clears her throat. "I'll go lie down on the cot for a little while to, um, make sure it... sticks." She blushes and gets off me.

     That was... interesting. How was that different from the last times I had to do that? Those other times, it felt like 'just another thing.' Not that it was bad then either. It just... it didn't matter then. I had no real lasting attachment to anyone.
     I get up. I need to go for a swim--wash myself off.

     I pick some fruit on my way back up to the settlement, and I decide to grill it. As I watch it cook, my mind wanders in a continued attempt to come to grips with myself and what happened.
     She ambushed me. I feel used, unclean, even though I just bathed in the ocean. It's not like it was my first time or even my first time being used in that way.

     But my heart didn't belong to anyone those times with the Skeeves. That's it. That's the crux of it. I want more with the young goddess Yadira. If I could ever figure out how to show her without it all self-distructing like it's done so many times I've tried, that would be a bloody miracle.
     I eat, and, still feeling unclean, I go try bathing in what might've once been a swimming pool.

     Yadira mostly uses the water for her plants, but I realize me doing a little swimming won't hurt anything. The water is actually cleaner than I expected. I hear a giggle.
     "You're swimming in that?" the most perfect voice asks, still giggling.
     I turn around and smile, my heart lifting for the first time today. "I thought I'd give it a go. It's not bad. Care to join me?"
     She giggles again.
     And then removes her outer clothing.

      I swim closer as she sits at the edge of the water. My eyes stare at her knees as I imagine parting them slowly.
      "It's got algae in it. Don't you feel dirty swimming in that?"
      "Not at all, really. I just kick it away."
      She makes a face, so to oblige her, I hop out of the water to sit next to her.

     "Oh!" She quickly looks away. "You're naked."
     I laugh, feeling lighthearted for the first time all week. "Well, why not? I wouldn't want to get my clothes all wet."
     She clears her throat and looks everywhere but at me.

     "So I've never asked," she begins, "what are the other people out there like? I mean, are they nice mostly or mean mostly?"
     I shrug. "I suppose they're just like you'd expect people to be: some are nice, some aren't."
     "Did you have any friends?"
     "A few."
     "What do you think they thought of you leaving?"
     I scratch my head and lean back, trying to catch as much of the warmth of the sun on my skin as I can. "I suppose they understood why. It really didn't look good for me with Reck doing his best to convince everyone I pushed the boy off the cliff."
    She looks down. "Did you have, um, someone that... uh..."
    My head snaps in her direction as hope rises in my chest like a million birds suddenly deciding to take flight. "Someone that what?" I urge her to continue. Someone who meant something special to me? No. Not especially. There were those I liked more than others--but never in the same way as I do her.
     She loses her nerve. "Never mind." She gets up.
     "You mean did I leave behind someone I loved?" That stops her.

     "It's nothing. Forget I asked." She starts bending down to pick up her clothes, but I have other plans.
     She didn't say that wasn't the question she was trying to ask. She would've certainly if that were true.
     I hop up, surprising her. "No. There was no one back there that I loved."

     "Rohan, you're still naked."
     "Right. So I am. And no, I didn't love anyone with the Skeeves. All that changed when I came here."
     "You realized you loved someone from your old tribe when you came here?"
     I don't know whether to scream, laugh, or cry. "No." I step towards her.
     "Then what..." Her voice trails off, and her cheeks pinken. And I can't take it anymore. I quickly pull her the rest of the way to me and claim those lips once and for all.

      She immediately stiffens in shock, and I hold her head in place, begging for a different response. No! This is all wrong! Why do I have to be such a fecking idiot? So many times I KNEW this would be a bad way to do it, yet I go and bloody well do it anyway.
     I hope speaking against her lips will help. "It's you. Of course it's you. From the moment I met you."
     Fuck! She starts shaking. My bare-ass naked self can't hide how turned on I am, and I want to punch myself in the face for scaring her. But I dare not pull away completely. I separate our lips and hold my forehead to hers while both of us work on catching our breath.
     "I... didn't mean... to kiss you like that... the first time." Fuuuuuuuuuck!
     Every inch of her burns into my skin where we touch. "Then how did you mean to do it?"
     I smile. Perhaps I can still salvage this. "Like this." And I gently touch my lips to hers. She shakes a bit again, but she's more relaxed about it as I linger. So sweet. My dick twitches.
     She quickly pulls away.

     "Wait," I beg, holding on to her. "I didn't want to scare you."
     "Then why did you do that?"
     "I can't help it." I assume she means what she felt against her. I pull her hand up to my lips and kiss it. "It's what you do to me." Then I kiss each one of her fingers in turn.
      "So it's MY fault?"
      "Fault?" I want to laugh but hold it in. This isn't perfect, but it could be worse. She could be screaming and trying to fight me off. That she's not gives me more hope than I'd dared to dream. "It's no one's 'fault.' It just happens." She won't stop looking at the ground. "Yadira, darling, will you give me a chance?" I hold her cheek in my palm, letting go of her hand. "I adore you."
      I gently tilt her face up to look at me, and I'm nervous by what I see.