20: Emotionally Directed

Yadira

     Rohan has gone to sleep, but having slept most of the day, I'm not tired. I decide to have a look around. It's very bright out tonight, so I don't have any difficulty seeing. In fact, if it weren't for the stars, I might be persuaded to think it was day.

     There were no stars in the Land of Weird. That man called that place where I was so many different names, but I still think of it as the Land of Weird.

     I now remember arriving at the Land of Weird and how I'd worried I might never see the people I love again. That gives me hope. I remember remembering them.

     "Good evenin', lovely Yadira," I hear behind me.

     I smile. There's something about him that makes me want to laugh, and since emotional responses are all I have to go on, I decide that's a good thing.

     "Hello," I reply, and he walks to stand in front of me.

     He waits for a moment while we stare at one another. He's not exactly what I'd call attractive, but somehow, that doesn't matter.

     His shoulders slump the tiniest amount. "I'm Orion."

     "Hello then, Ori--" I pause. Again, I'm acting on pure instinct. "No. That's not your name." Is he playing a trick on me?

     His mouth drops. "Well, I, uh..."

     I start doubting myself. "Is it?" Oh no. I don't want to insult him.

     "It has been for a good, long while."

     Oh. Okay. He changed it. "What was it before?"

     "How did ye know that wasna my original name? Rohan doesna even know that."

     "I have no idea." And I can say honestly that this isn't the strangest thing to happen to me today. "So what was it?"

     He gets a goofy expression on his face. "Well, why don't ye tell me? See if ya can guess." 

     It's not what he says but how he says it. I start giggling.

     He sighs, looking a bit more content with everything. "At least I can still make ya laugh."

     It's true! I knew right away something about him makes me happy. Although, I also sense an ulterior motive. Earlier today, he wasn't exactly looking at me the way a friend would but rather something more. What happened that he remembers and I don't?

     "Well, do ye have a guess?"

      I take a breath and close my eyes. Who says I have to wait for Rohan and Yuri, I mean Zuri (the man called her Zuri, right?), to begin trying to figure out what exactly changed about me. I try to clear my head and let something else tell me. It's not as easy as it sounds.

     "It's an old name. Rob--" I almost say Robert. "No. Benjamin." I smile and open my eyes to see him wide-eyed staring at me, his mouth agape.

     "How?"

     "I have no idea. Am I right?" I smile. I don't really care if I'm right. This is a fun game. I should've played it with everyone.

     "You are," he says slowly. "Yadira, there's na'a person alive today that knew that."

     I'm tired of things being weird, so I alter the subject. "Why did you change it? You don't like it?" Sounds like a nice name to me.

     "I like it fine. I just wanted a fresh everything when I got away from my parents. I didna even want the name they gave me."

      Parents. I have no idea who my parents were. Rohan said I didn't know yesterday either.

     It's driving me crazy how I can't even remember yesterday! "What did I do yesterday?" The question probably feels random to him. I watch the color drain from his face, and I try to relate it back to our conversation. "How is it that I can tell you your birth name yet I can't tell you what I did yesterday?" I bite my lip. "How do I know if I'm even me?" 

     He takes several shallow breaths. "The fountain... it affects yer mind. It gives as it takes, but... it's just takin' yer memories. Yer feelin's, yer emotions, yer... heart are still the same. If ye stop tryin' to THINK about yesterdee, can ye FEEL it?"

     "What you're saying makes sense. Somehow. But... how on earth do I get myself to FEEL yesterday?"

     He glances behind me, takes my hands, and says, "Come here." He starts pulling me off to the side, closer to a wall. Then he surprises me.

      "Do ye remember now?" he asks, his voice quieter and a tad deeper.

      "What are you doing? Stop it."

      "I'm tryin' to shock ya into rememberin' somethin'. Do yer lips remember?" He kisses me, and one thing's for sure: I'm definitely shocked.

      I pull back away from him, breaking out of his embrace. I touch my lips. "What are you saying?"

      He takes a step. "I'm sayin' that yesterdee, I finally got the chance to tell ye I love you." A look of pain crosses his face. "And now ye don't even remember!"

     I've backed into the wall, and he closes in again.

     I can't tell for sure if he's crying because he hides his face in my neck. Still...

     "Are you saying I cheated on Rohan?" I may not remember myself, but that doesn't feel right.

     "No." He sniffs. "You were so darlin'. You didna kiss me back, but sweet Mother Earth did I ever kiss you." He kisses my neck in between little huffing breaths.

     "But I let you." He's telling the truth. Going on my feelings, I know it.

     "Yea. Conflicted the entire time, an' I'm so sorry for that." He kisses my cheek, and the wisps of hair next to my face stick to him as he moves up to look into my eyes. "Please. Please tell me ye feel SOMETHIN'."

     My hair frees itself, and I look at his face. Yes, his cheeks are damp, so I reach up and try to dry them off with my hand. YES, my heart screams at me. But then why is it also screaming DON'T!?

     He whispers, "Yer still in there." His eyes close for a moment, and he turns his head to kiss my palm before going back to look into my eyes.

     Why? I ask myself. How could I do this to myself? It's wrong. "I'm... married." Right?

     He smiles radiantly. "Yer not."

     "But Rohan said--"

     "Rohan is a child playing 'house.'"

     "If he's a child, what am I?"

     He shrugs. "Okay. So play it wiv me." He leans in and crushes his lips to mine, only for a moment, though. "I love you."

     Regardless of what I'm feeling, right is right and wrong is wrong. I push him back as I say, "How can you say I'm not married?" I get the feeling he LETS me push him back, and I walk a few steps away. "We said vows."

     "Vows ye don' remember sayin' now."

     "That doesn't mean I didn't say them!" I've spun around to argue with him, but he wraps his arms around me again.

      "Yadira, those vows were feeble at best."

      I can't breathe without feeling myself do it against him. He's pulled me tightly to his chest. "You're making this argument like we've argued this before."

      "We have."

      "And I didn't believe it then, did I?"

      He looks at my face, his eyes traveling. "I was tryin' to convince you." He pauses. "I canna help but wonder if ye were wiv Rohan 'cause you'd met him first. When I asked ye what would've happened had ya met us both at the same time, ye answered ya didn'n know for sure."

     "Well, I was right. How can I?"

     "Ye can right NOW. Ye don' remember him any more than ye do me, right?"

     He continues, "As far as yer mind goes, ya met us both today."

     I was right when my first thought of him was that he was intense. He is, and the surprising way he's affecting me makes a much more girlie part of me conjure up scenes from some very old romance novel, not that I remember any specifics or that I even read any. I feel ridiculous the thought even entered my mind, and I wish that blush wouldn't show up that's forming whether I want it to or not.

     "But my emotions are the only thing I have to go on, and my body reacts like I'm in love with Rohan."

     "But don' try an' tell me ye don' also react to me." He looks at me like he could eat me alive.

        "Whether or not I do, Benjamin, is not the point." I don't miss his sharp intake of breath with hearing me address him by his real name.

        "Oh yes, it's exactly the point."

      Damn him! Of COURSE I react to him, but that doesn't mean I have to act on it. He's giving me little chance not to, though. How can a kiss be both passionate and tender at the same time?

      I kiss him back.

      He notices, and he breathes in in a kind of victorious way and holds me tighter, if such a thing is possible. The 'tone' of the kiss moves from passionate to desperate need in mere seconds, and I know that if I don't stop it, it will go far beyond just this. And this is bad enough.

     His lips move to my neck, and I beg, "No. Please no, Benjamin."

     He pulls back, his breathing hard. His self-control balances on a tenuous thread, ready to snap if I give the slightest recant of my 'no.'

     "Yer the only one," he tells me, "who calls me Benjamin." His lips brush mine. "Yer the only one on whose lips it sounds like angels' wings." Another soft kiss. "Don' tell them."

     "I won't." I think of a caveat. "Don't tell anyone this happened. I don't... I don't know what I'm going to do."

     "Deal, but I'm na one for givin' up, sweet Yadira. Not easily."

     "I think I've noticed that."

     He starts chuckling, releasing me, stepping back, and kissing my forehead. "Goodnight. I'll na pester ye anymore tonight."

     I nod and turn to head back to the house I share with Rohan.

     I'm in a serious mess. Why did I have to get dropped into this? As if going around memory-blind wasn't bad enough. I'd thought letting myself be emotionally directed would help. Tuh. Right. Emotionally directed right into a hydrogen bomb.