Rohan
"Leave," I tell the worthless bastard. "You've done enough damage for one night." My throat still hurts from where he clipped me with his arm, but I'm ignoring it.
I've never trusted the pile of garbage after I saw the way he looked at Yadira that first day, and ever since Yadira's mysterious loss of memory, I've kept a close eye on her, wondering if he'd try to take advantage of the situation--since she has no memories of me either.
I'm not quite sure how he managed it, but he'd somehow seduced her to the point that he looked like he was ready to carry her off, even though she told him 'this isn't right.'
Before she'd said that, I'd worried I'd somehow lost her, that she preferred him over me. After all, the first thing I saw when I'd rounded the corner was HER kissing HIM. And after all that with her assuring me she knew she loved me. Then what was that then?
In my turmoil of emotions, hearing her say that and trying, not very hard mind you but still trying, to push him away made up my mind: It's mostly his fault.
And, I admit, on a much more primal level, I was seeing red that he was trying to seduce MY woman. I wasn't going to stand for it.
But when Yadira called him something, some other name, he paused in shock. I took that moment to start pounding him.
Then the bastard gave me a look like he was about to try for the pity card should he 'let me' beat him up. There was no way I could win! ... until Yadira wrapped her arm around me.
I won anyway.
"Rohan, please." I'm brought back to the present moment, and I tighten my arms around my beautiful wife.
"Shhhhhhhh," I croon her as I stroke her hair. Her crying has progressed to the hiccuping stage, and it breaks my heart.
She won't stop trying to apologize, her words stuttering as she tries to get them out. "I-I d-don't know h-how I c-could le-et that ha-appen. Ple-ease do-on't hate me-e."
"Never. Please stop crying." I honestly don't know why I'm not upset with her. Takes two to tango, as they say. Maybe if she had her memories, this would be rougher on me, but I KNOW Orion was using the situation to his advantage, also using her lack of experience as he probably flooded her with more than she could withstand. It was her trying to pull away that sold me on that fact. Of course, everything she's crying/mumbling/sobbing out to me also helps me to understand.
"I wa-as trying to-o avoid hi-im, but it di-didn't work. I'm s-sorry."
"Yadira, shh. Calm down. I don't hate you; I could never, ever hate you. I'm not mad at you." I could kill Orion, though. "Calm down, and we can talk." She starts up what might be another wail, but I stop her. "No. Shh. It'll be okay. I love you."
After we stand here for several minutes, me stroking her hair and rocking us back and forth, her breathing finally returns to normal.
"How can you say it'll be okay?" she asks sadly.
I lightly shrug. "Because I love you, and I want it to be."
"How can you say you love me when you don't even know me?"
"What? What are you talking about?"
She lifts her head, and I look into her reddish eyes as they swim with more tears. "How can you claim to know me when I'm not even me anymore?"
"How can you ask that? And of course you're you."
She shakes her head no. "I've been told things as YOU remember them. I have no idea what I was thinking during those moments. All I can do is guess."
"Yadira, you're you. When something happens, you react exactly like you would have before."
Her face crumples up. "React? Like before? Rohan, he... He said he kissed me right before I lost my memories."
"What?" I gasp out. I feel like I'm falling into a deep pit, so deep that I'll break every bone in my body when I hit the bottom. Wasn't I just thinking how it would've been worse had this happened before she lost her memories?
She must not like the look on my face because she tries to back away, but all that does is make me tighten my grip on her. "Rohan, I didn't kiss him back."
"How do you know?" I ask even though I can guess the answer.
"He told me." Yes, of course he told her, which makes the fact that she didn't kiss him back all the more believable. "He's been chasing me ever since, but I was trying to avoid him."
No, he's been chasing her for longer than that. Wait... she was trying to avoid him on her own, meaning she's known for a while what happened. Ever since... When after she lost her memories would he have told her this? "There was a time between then and now? How often has this happened? And why didn't you tell me about it?"
She looks like she's about to burst into tears again. "This was his third attempt, and I didn't tell you because... because I was trying to figure out what I was going to do."
I let go of her, more like jerk back away from her. Did someone just run me through? I clutch at my chest because of how badly it hurts. Why did she have to try to 'figure out' what to do? As if she had to consider whether or not she'd chose him? I take a couple steps away from her.
"Rohan, please!" She closes the distance and puts her hand on my chest.
I almost wrap my arms around her again, but I can't bring myself to do it.
"Please don't hate me. I can't stand it. I was so confused!"
Is this why we still haven't made love? She didn't want to while she was still considering being with Orion?
"I had nothing to go on other than emotions." She kisses me but gets no response.
She didn't help her case just now. Emotions. Yes, including emotions she felt for him. Her words stab me again. I put my hand between us.
"Stop," I tell her in a plain voice. I put my finger on her perfect lips. "Just... stop."
"Rohan?" Her beautiful eyes open in a worried question.
"You were going on emotions? Then why were you kissing him just now?" Orion had better keep far away from me. But I want to know the answer to my question from Yadira.
"I don't love him."
"That isn't what I asked." Even though it's still nice to hear.
"I don't know. He drew me in. I wasn't thinking clearly. Please, Rohan. It's killing me that I hurt you. I love YOU."
My finger has brushed aside, so she kisses me again.
She keeps lightly kissing me, pulling back each time. Fuuuuuck. She's pressed against me, tempting me like a siren. Damn it all. I can deal with the rest later. Right now, I have to fucking kiss her senseless.
She makes a startled noise from the sudden ferocity of my kiss. This is what you wanted, right? If kissing is what she's asking for, she'll get it.
Fuck! I can't get that image out of my mind! She was kissing him! How can she do that and then say she loves me? It's... it's... cruel! Why did she have to do that? Why did she need to kiss someone else?
She whimpers because I'm being brutal, and I hate myself for it. Tears escape my eyes. The woman I love betrayed me. And here I thought I was winning her heart all over again, yet she was being happily seduced by a jackass. Is a jackass really what she wants?
I picture in my mind how I could maybe change for her. I could be like he is. I could seduce her past where she's comfortable and make her think it was her idea. It's not like I haven't wanted to. It's true that I fucking want her. In fact, I want her right now, pain and anger included. It's what she wants, right? I could live with myself that it won't be as pure and loving as I want it to be. Couldn't I?
My emotions take a nose dive. I find the bottom of the proverbial pit I was falling into earlier, and I'm in agony. A sob escapes me. I can't do it. Call me a fool, but I can't do it. I really fucking love her, and I don't WANT to be a jackass. I break from the kiss. I have no idea what expression I wear when I look down at her.
"Rohan, I'm so sorry."
For a moment, I think about walking away from her right now. What if, after everything, she still wants him? What if I've lost everything with her losing her memories and she thinks she wants him even after I work to try and restore what we had? Better to walk away now, right? But I can't lose her! I go right back to how I was holding her before.
She doesn't resist me clutching at her while tears stream down my face.
Calm down, you idiot, I tell myself. Think about what she told you: the first time, before she lost her memories, she was basically attacked and didn't kiss him back. Next, she'd lost her memories and didn't know what to do. Then, she decided what to do but didn't know how to handle it, so she avoided him--or tried to. After that, the sonofabitch used every weapon he could against her, and she made a mistake. And she realized it was a mistake and was beginning to try to get him to stop. I have to believe she was about to fight him harder than that.
And she chose you. I let in the closest thing to a full breath in what feels like ages. More crying escapes as I let it out.
"I love you, Yadira," I tell her and kiss her hair. I want what we had before, and we got there because I was patient. However, I didn't have to worry about an asshole lurking around every corner back then. But I'll be damned if I'm going to give up.
She starts quietly crying again. "I'm so sorry."
"I know." I take a breath. "But it hurts."
"What can I do?"
"Forgive me for being an ass just now." That violent kiss didn't help me prove I'm better than he is.
"You're allowed to be angry."
"But I'm not allowed to take it out on you like that."
"It's okay, Rohan."
I get quiet and hold her, thinking about how it's not okay. But there's not much more than can be done right now. We'll just have to work through it. Oh, and banish Orion. That'll help.
"Yadira, you're you. When something happens, you react exactly like you would have before."
Her face crumples up. "React? Like before? Rohan, he... He said he kissed me right before I lost my memories."
She must not like the look on my face because she tries to back away, but all that does is make me tighten my grip on her. "Rohan, I didn't kiss him back."
"How do you know?" I ask even though I can guess the answer.
"He told me." Yes, of course he told her, which makes the fact that she didn't kiss him back all the more believable. "He's been chasing me ever since, but I was trying to avoid him."
No, he's been chasing her for longer than that. Wait... she was trying to avoid him on her own, meaning she's known for a while what happened. Ever since... When after she lost her memories would he have told her this? "There was a time between then and now? How often has this happened? And why didn't you tell me about it?"
She looks like she's about to burst into tears again. "This was his third attempt, and I didn't tell you because... because I was trying to figure out what I was going to do."
I let go of her, more like jerk back away from her. Did someone just run me through? I clutch at my chest because of how badly it hurts. Why did she have to try to 'figure out' what to do? As if she had to consider whether or not she'd chose him? I take a couple steps away from her.
"Rohan, please!" She closes the distance and puts her hand on my chest.
"Please don't hate me. I can't stand it. I was so confused!"
Is this why we still haven't made love? She didn't want to while she was still considering being with Orion?
"I had nothing to go on other than emotions." She kisses me but gets no response.
She didn't help her case just now. Emotions. Yes, including emotions she felt for him. Her words stab me again. I put my hand between us.
"Rohan?" Her beautiful eyes open in a worried question.
"You were going on emotions? Then why were you kissing him just now?" Orion had better keep far away from me. But I want to know the answer to my question from Yadira.
"I don't love him."
"That isn't what I asked." Even though it's still nice to hear.
"I don't know. He drew me in. I wasn't thinking clearly. Please, Rohan. It's killing me that I hurt you. I love YOU."
My finger has brushed aside, so she kisses me again.
Fuck! I can't get that image out of my mind! She was kissing him! How can she do that and then say she loves me? It's... it's... cruel! Why did she have to do that? Why did she need to kiss someone else?
She whimpers because I'm being brutal, and I hate myself for it. Tears escape my eyes. The woman I love betrayed me. And here I thought I was winning her heart all over again, yet she was being happily seduced by a jackass. Is a jackass really what she wants?
I picture in my mind how I could maybe change for her. I could be like he is. I could seduce her past where she's comfortable and make her think it was her idea. It's not like I haven't wanted to. It's true that I fucking want her. In fact, I want her right now, pain and anger included. It's what she wants, right? I could live with myself that it won't be as pure and loving as I want it to be. Couldn't I?
My emotions take a nose dive. I find the bottom of the proverbial pit I was falling into earlier, and I'm in agony. A sob escapes me. I can't do it. Call me a fool, but I can't do it. I really fucking love her, and I don't WANT to be a jackass. I break from the kiss. I have no idea what expression I wear when I look down at her.
"Rohan, I'm so sorry."
For a moment, I think about walking away from her right now. What if, after everything, she still wants him? What if I've lost everything with her losing her memories and she thinks she wants him even after I work to try and restore what we had? Better to walk away now, right? But I can't lose her! I go right back to how I was holding her before.
Calm down, you idiot, I tell myself. Think about what she told you: the first time, before she lost her memories, she was basically attacked and didn't kiss him back. Next, she'd lost her memories and didn't know what to do. Then, she decided what to do but didn't know how to handle it, so she avoided him--or tried to. After that, the sonofabitch used every weapon he could against her, and she made a mistake. And she realized it was a mistake and was beginning to try to get him to stop. I have to believe she was about to fight him harder than that.
And she chose you. I let in the closest thing to a full breath in what feels like ages. More crying escapes as I let it out.
"I love you, Yadira," I tell her and kiss her hair. I want what we had before, and we got there because I was patient. However, I didn't have to worry about an asshole lurking around every corner back then. But I'll be damned if I'm going to give up.
She starts quietly crying again. "I'm so sorry."
"I know." I take a breath. "But it hurts."
"What can I do?"
"Forgive me for being an ass just now." That violent kiss didn't help me prove I'm better than he is.
"You're allowed to be angry."
"But I'm not allowed to take it out on you like that."
"It's okay, Rohan."
I get quiet and hold her, thinking about how it's not okay. But there's not much more than can be done right now. We'll just have to work through it. Oh, and banish Orion. That'll help.
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Hi there! I stopped publishing this on Blogger; although, I do check the Blogger site frequently as I use it to write the chapters (then they get altered once I transfer them to WordPress--editing). To keep from having to go back and forth editing both sites, I completely switched to WordPress for this one.
Go to the next chapter by clicking HERE. And thank you for reading!
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